well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
