I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
