Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
