did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
