Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
