Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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