Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
