just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
