I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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