this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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