well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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