Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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