A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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