Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
