Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
