he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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