I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
