It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
