Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
