Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
