I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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