it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
