if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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