I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My cat gives me a boner
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Randomize
