It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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