Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
