i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I can't put those talents on a resume
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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