Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
