you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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