And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
