my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
