Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just cut my nipple shaving
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize
