ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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