Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
