Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
