I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
