I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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