You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
