ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
