He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
