the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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