how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
