Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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