The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
