Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
