thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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