she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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