I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I wish you could order shots online.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
