The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
