I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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