sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
