Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
