Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
