well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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